Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
