I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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