so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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