every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
