shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
