is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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