i think my mom watched the whole time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
