dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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