that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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