Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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