just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
