you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
