Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
