meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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