When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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