i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
