I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
