Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
