The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just invented taco cereal.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
