Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
