I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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