i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
