I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
