i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize