I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
