I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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