I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my being single is dangerous.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
