I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
