it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
