We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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