im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
