I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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