HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
