hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
