Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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