GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
