i permit you to call me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
