His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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