Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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