**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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