What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
