despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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