Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
