seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
