Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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