So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
