thus making me awesome and them whores
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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