Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
