somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
