You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
