there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
