i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
